blog is moved

blog address is now blog.alanrules.com

go there now!

Study Finds That College Breeds Alcoholism (Luckily, I Dropped Out)

A study on alcoholism and College found that going to college leads people to binge drinking and alcoholism. I became aware of my alcoholic tendencies between my sophomore and junior year at Chico State (now known as California State University, Chico to clean up their image). Sometime later I dropped out.

What this study does not clarify is that kickball leagues also breed binge drinking and alcoholism. Here is an example from last night’s WAKA New York Star Kickball League’s Auction Night at Boss Tweeds:

J-Hard Is Happy, Karl Is…, originally uploaded by alandickson.

More pictures from last night’s WAKA New York Star Kickball League’s Auction Night at Boss Tweeds.

And to clarify, just because I am not drinking this month and writing about binge drinking does not mean I condemn drinking alcohol. I am just stating facts. Also, I will probably not be able to take pictures after playoffs do to drinking and flip cup.

Bikes, Speedos, Myself and Hollywood

If you did not know, I ride bikes. I state it pretty obviously in the section about myself and the only thing that defines me more is that I wear speedos (sometimes while riding a bike, but that mostly stopped when I had batteries thrown at me). Anyway, there is a pretty popular blogger (in the bike world) that tends to keep current on bike stuff and popular culture about bike stuff. Bike Snob NYC is highly critical of bicycles in popular culture and bike culture in general, because that is obviously what a bike snob would do.

Bike Snob recently posted about the new Flaming Lips video for “Watching the Planets [NSFW - if you do actually work].” The video is about involves a hairy vagina ball, naked bike riders, Wayne Coyne in a plastic bubble, and more naked people (I do not really know what it is about). I do know my agent missed a great opportunity getting me cast for this video, when obviously a guy in a speedo is needed.

Here is an example of what they were missing:

Not only did this video just fail to capitalize on one of the greatest bikers who often wears a speedo, but so did Jared Leto and Thirty Seconds to Mars. My agent obviously is not keen on my skills that are expressively expressed in my resume. Thirty Seconds to Mars has an 8 minute video for the song “Kings and Queens.” This video is about contains bikers, Jared Leto, a horse, a car hitting a biker, and the band playing on a hill (once again I have no idea what a video is actually about).

I have a few complaints suggestions about the video, coming from a bicyclist’s viewpoint (I do not wish to use the word complaint, because I wish to join the cinematic industry and would not want to be blacklisted before I can show off my skills). First, when a cyclist has about 30 lights on his bike and gets hit by a car, the cyclist should not get up and ride off (a real cyclist would have gotten up to see the car has already left the scene, grabbed his/her U-Lock and gone forth with justice, or received a big insurance settlement [not]). Secondly, a white horse? At least Blade Runner used a white unicorn to have some weird trippy scene. Lastly, did they need to have 3 minutes of credits to include every single person who is alive and yet leave me out as the inspiration?

Dear Hollywood, you are 0 for 2 in the past few months for recognizing my skills. I know I was not alive when they cast Quicksilver and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, however I feel that having one of those two movies as a requirement to work on a bicycle video is a bit much (like when an Ice Cream Server job requires experience serving ice cream).

There is one last chance for Hollywood to redeem themself. The movie Premium Rush centers on a twentysomething (I am 26 and a half) New York City (where I live) bike messenger (I may not have been in the movie Quicksilver, but I worked for the Quicksilver Messenger Service in San Francisco).

This movie is about my life.

I know what you are thinking Hollywood, this seems too good to be true. It is not. I even have one last skill I have yet to mention. I doubled as Justin Kirk in a movie where he drives a boat.

I drove a boat in a movie.

Please send movie deals and fan mail to:
Alan (Who Drove A Boat In A Movie) Rules
79 Adelphi St. Brooklyn, NY

(snaem siht tahw wonk won I) تقبيل البنات

Tonight, I should have gone to my roommate’s band’s, Elastic No-No Band, show or gone to a “Multiple Occasion Party” and celebrated the release of the Boozecats.com website (I thoroughly enjoy seeing cats pasted into photos to censor out beer cans and other alcohol paraphernalia, however I would not have drank at the party and therefore would not have made it into any cool cat photos).

Instead, I stayed home.

I baked a cake.

I decorated my room.

And then I learned that تقبيل البنات means this, thanks to someone Googling it and clicking on my picture.

I Think I Just Went To A “Live” Show In My Underwear

It is 2 PM, I just woke up, so naturally I am sitting in my underwear on the computer (I had my space heater set to 80 over night). Clicking around the Internet, I clicked on a link posted by my friends at Mushpot Records. The link was this: CHOCOLATE BOBKA: live: Candy Claws “Catamaran” (acoustic).

I thought this might be an opportunity to see the band Candy Claws live, whose new album, In The Dream Of The Sea Life, was gifted to me.

After clicking the link, I saw a video. I pushed play. I watched and read what was written on the page. It was an opportunity to see them “live.” And by “live” I mean from my computer screen on their virtual online tour. Moments after re-reading the page, I realized I witnessed my first online tour in my underwear.

I am going to get dressed now, put on Candy Claws’ album, and walk around in the cold New York air, while thinking about lounging in the summer sun on the beach.

See Candy Claws “live” in Brooklyn, NY at CHOCOLATE BOBKA.
WARNING: If you click the link above, while wearing underwear, you too will attend an online tour in your underwear (maybe this is what online tours were created for).

I Am The Paparazzi

This morning, I went online to avoid doing real life stuff like getting a job, actually making a resume that would get me a job, or going to a museum and enjoying my time off. While catching up with blogs, I saw the new Lady Gaga video “Bad Romance” on my friend Yanique’s blog, The Queen of Hearts. She says Gaga is taking concepts from past artists and should give them credit.

I do not care to fight over where pop ideas were conceived (unless it was done so by me). I just want to mention that after I watched “Bad Romance,” I finally watched another video of her’s, “Paparazzi.” It was 8 minutes long and all I could think about was Britney Spears in “Everytime,” bleeding and drowning in a bathtub.

Before we go and argue over which song and video is better, let us get to the basics:

Britney Spears was a child star on Disney, then became a pop star at around the age of 16. The video of “Everytime” accompanied her fourth album.

Lady Gaga had her first album come out when she was 22 and that album so happened to be called The Fame. This album contained the song “Paparazzi,” most likely before she encountered a paparazzi. I understand the clever foreshadowing on her part, but to warrant an 8 minute video and career on pretending to be famous seems a bit forward. However, who am I to judge, it worked for her and I am sitting here with a website that is about to claim it is the most awesome website in the world (I just need learn how to make a lolcat poster for my pet unicorn’s pic). Actually, good move Lady Gaga, if you ever need a man in a speedo for some dumb publicity, please call me.

In related news, I become a paparazzi.

I do not want to get into specifics, because it was purely an accident and I tried to avoid it. I just happened to be at the Metropolitan Museum, escaping our crazy pop culture and enjoying art, when someone also looking at art happened to look like a celebrity. I glanced back at the art and thought to myself, wow that looks a lot like a celebrity I know. When I finished looking at the exhibit, I exited and saw the person again. I noticed that they are really well put together, much like a celebrity would… oh wait, it was that celebrity.

Now that I realized who it is, I did what anyone would do if they were carrying a big camera. I took out my iPhone and took a blurry pic to post to twitter. Then, I used my big camera to get a fuzzy picture from behind. I am an all-star paparazzi and going to make millions off my pics. That or I felt embarrassed, because I did not care much about the pictures, except that I was inspired by “Paparazzi” earlier and nobody else noticed they were in the presence of one of our cultures icons. They were all blinded by the art and could not see the real world around themselves.

I could and I did, because I’ll follow you until you love me.

Fuck You And Your Blog

Fuck You And Your Blog, originally uploaded by alandickson.

…

If you purchase this journal and give it to me, I will transcribe this blog into it (pictures included) and regift it to you. After, I will post to my blog about how much I hate journals (except for people who are going in front of audiences and reading humiliating entries out of their journals/diaries) and am glad people post their entire lives for the Internet to read.

You Think My Tandem’s Sexy

Blue and Pink Bike Threesome, originally uploaded by alandickson.

I know Kenny Chesney would write a song about my tandem bicycle, if he saw it.

I do not know if Kenny Chesney would have his pink bicycle try to hump my sexy tandem.

Until Kenny Chesney comes to Brooklyn and sees this sexy beast, you will have to just listen to this: a song about some other sexy thing.

Alan Dickson Myspace Pic!!! (too late?)

Alan Dickson Myspace Pic!!! (too late?), originally uploaded by alandickson.

I still have my myspace page, which is one of the only pages on the Internet where I was able to claim alandickson as my url. Now, I would much rather just get points that do nothing on my foursquare account (I am currently the mayor of my apartment and of a local grocery store).

Anyway, since myspace is basically done, I have no use for this picture (although I just posted it here). It is rare, because I am clothed, unlike my other self portraits.

What a creep!

This comic speaks the truth. However, I do not want to ruin the punchline, so all I will say is that I am glad I look like my father. Whom I am told is an attractive man.

What a creep! Comic by DOGHOUSE

Oh, women…